rae

just some thoughts.................

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 07:35:43 GMT

WHY DO I MISS HER? WHY DO I CONSTANTLY REMIND MYSELF OF HER? WHY DID SHE LOVE ME SO MUCH? WHY DID I BREAK UP WITH HER? SHE GAVE ME EVERYTHING I COULD POSSIBLY WANT. SHE WOULD GIVE HER OWN LIFE FOR ME. IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT YOU FIND SOMEONE LIKE HER. SHE WAS AMAZING. SHE CARED SO DEEPLY FOR ME. SHE MADE ME CARE ABOUT MYSELF. SHE MADE ME STRIVE TO BECOME SOMETHING MORE. SHE WAS MY LIFE. SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING. OH MY GOSH... I MISS HER MORE THAN WORDS CAN DESCRIBE. I WANT TO CALL HER. I WANT TO BE WITH HER. I WANT OUR RELATIONSHIP BACK. I WANT HER BACK. I WANT TO LIVE WITH HER. I WANT TO MAKE A LIFE WITH HER. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I WANT TO FEEL LOVED. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE. I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE IN HER ARMS. I WANT TO HEAR HER VOICE. I WANT TO SEE HER FACE. I WANT TO SMELL HER. I WANT TO FEEL HER HAND IN MINE. I WANT TO FEEL HER LIPS AGAINST MINE. I WANT HER TO LOOK AT ME WITH THAT LOOK IN HER EYES. I NEED HER. LIFE JUST ISNT THE SAME WITHOUT HER. I WANT TO HEAR HER CALL ME BABY. I WANT TO HEAR HER SAY I LOVE YOU. I WANT TO LAY IN BED WITH MY HEAD ON HER CHEST AND JUST LISTEN TO HER HEART BEAT. I WANT TO CALL HER. I WANT TO SAY I NEED YOU AND WANT YOU AND LOVE YOU. TRUE AS BLOOD. I WANT TO BE WITH HER. I WANT HER. I NEED HER. TRUE AS BLOOD. I WANT TO KNOW WHO SHE TALKS TO ON THE PHONE. I WANT TO KNOW WHO SHE KICKS IT WITH. I WANT TO KNOW IF SHE HAD A GOOD DAY AT WORK. I WANT TO GIVE HER A BACK RUB AFTER A HARD DAY. I WANT TO KNOW IF SHE'S SEEING ANYONE. I WANT TO KNOW IF SHE TELLS ANYONE SHE LOVES THEM. I WANT TO BE HER ONE AND ONLY. I WANT TO BE THE ONLY PERSON SHE EVER LOOKS AT. THE ONLY PERSON SHE TALKS TO. THE ONLY PERSON SHE SPENDS TIME WITH. I WANT TO SUPRISE HER ON HER ON HER LUNCH BREAK. I WANT TO SEND HER FLOWERS AT WORK FOR NO REAL REASON.I JUST CALLED HER AND LISTENED TO HER SAY HELLO OVER AND OVER. HER VOICE... OH HER VOICE. I MISS HER. I WANT HER. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO CORNROW SO I CAN BRAID HER HAIR. I WANT TO GET MY HANDS ALL GREASY WHILE TAKING OUT HER BRAIDS. I WANT TO RUB LOTION ON HER ASHY KNEES. I WANT TO BE THE ONE SHE VENTS TO. I WANT TO BE HER SHOULDER TO CRY ON. I WANT TO BE HER EVERYTHING. I WANT HER TO BE MY EVERYTHING. I LOVE HER.
just some thoughts

uhhhh...........

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 23:35:27 GMT

i dont want to like him so therefore i dont like him. i take it back. whatever. i'm in a really bad mood and i dont know why. i hate feeling too immature or young. it sucks. i hate being bored. it's friday i want to go out and do something. i need fun, i need friends, i need a life. uhhhh i hate this.
i am alone. i am afraid. i hate my life today. blah blah blah. i dont even feel like writing. uhhhhhh.......

Where Do I Begin????

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 16:00:58 GMT

wow it has been a really long time since i wrote in here....so much has happened. finally gave up my relationship in feb actually. since then i've been on a roller coaster with teresa. but even that is finally over. thank God. lost my job at macy's in feb also, and now i'm working at subway. it sux.
i think i want to move back in with my mom. that would be so much better for me. i'd like get a job in concord and i'd be able to go to dvc and take my gen ed classes. it would help me spiritually to be away from Vanessa and them and to have a different job. i'd finally get to start life after highschool(a year after i graduated!!!). so yeah definitely an idea.
i really want to start a drama team with the youth group. not now. well i wanna try to bring it up now, but i think i should be a little more stable in my own relationship with God.so at some point i wanna bring that up and see who would go for it. i dont think that i'm the only one who loves to act. we'll see......
i like richard at times and at other times i dont. i think he's a great person and a very close friend, but i dont know. i know i dont really need a relationship right now anyway, but yeah. there's this other guy i'm feelin'. i used to be interested in him but then i got back with teresa. i think those feelings for him never actually went away. but i dont think anything will ever happen with that situation. i would like to kick it and get to know him but i dont think it would be a great idea because of other people. i dont even think he's into me.... so whatever. he is so sweet. like beyond sweet. he goes to church. he's cute. he's really intellegent. he has a really kool sense of humor. he's really caring. i often find myself just staring at him. it's wierd. i think about him frequently..."what if he is into me?" or "what would i say if we did go out?"
i have to get ready for work now..oh and it sux that i have to walk from deanna's house. but yeah so i gotta go get ready for work.
i like this phrase that we learned in youth group last night...
it's ok if a bird lands on your head, but dont let it make a nest there.
basically it's not a sin if satan puts thoughts into your mind, but it becomes sin when you dwell on it or act on it.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 03:58:27 GMT

i want to scream at the top of my lungs

the past

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 05:52:17 GMT

for some reason i was very reminded of the past today. i saw these 2 sisters heather and crystal that i used to kick it with when i was like 9. it was so cool. i saw like 5 different people that i graduated with. work is a cool place to see people. then on my lunch break i saw jenny a friend from skool and she asked if i was still with teresa and yeah i was reminded of the past. it sucks tomorrow i'm scheduled 1-9:30 and that means i have to miss youth group. i really enjoy christina's teachings on David. it's very interesting. today was my firt full day,9:45-6:15. my feet are killing me. tomorrow morning i get to go with deanna to take krystal to her first day of highschool. yay! oh my baby's growing up!!!!!!!!!:) yeah so life is ok but crazy. i'm having a hard time not smoking and i was very tempted today but i didnt. i havent smoked in 2 1/2 weeks. that's cool. yeah

God is awesome

Tue, 02 Sep 2003 02:27:54 GMT

wow. we were on the way bback from hume and the car did something we spun out went off the road almost flipped twice and messed up the car. it wasnt christie's fault we r not really sure what happened. yeah so we almost died. but we didnt. it could have been way worse. we had just reached the end of the mountain and it so couldve happened while we were on the mountain. yeah going off cliffs is never good. we easily could have flipped but we didnt. no one was hurt. the car isnt that bad. so God is awesome. just thought i'd share.

ouch

Thu, 28 Aug 2003 23:33:17 GMT

you know i am the anonymous that commented ouch that really hurts. why do you think it was forever?

thinking

Wed, 27 Aug 2003 00:37:45 GMT

i start work tomorrow. i had training and orientation all day yesterday.....BORING!!!!. i'm excited though. it'll get my mind of things. i got my schedule for the next 3 weeks....wow. i'm gonna make phat money. working a lot. it's cool though. right now all i do is sit around and think. it really sucks. everytime i want to call her i call my mom or someone and i just sit there on the phone with nothing to say. i miss her a lot but i'm okay. every day i pray that any time i start to think about her...God would change my thoughts and make me think about how awesome He is. i really wish that i could be there for her right now. it really seems like she needs someone. i might not be the person that you need, but i am praying hard for you. some people are the types of friends that dont really know what to say so they just sit and listen and let you get it out and others try everything to give you the right advice. it doesnt make them any less of a friend. it just means that's their way of trying to help. something i realized while thinking about this concept is that God just listens. He will let you pour your heart out and just hold you. It's amazing. I'm sorry that you dont have a physical person there for you to hold and and let you cry...I will pray that God sends you someone. Or maybe He wants you to become totally dependent on Him right now and always.
the direction of that post greatly changed. yeah i'm a little mixed up right now. But God will give me the peace that my heart craves. and i pray that God would restore our friendship when we are both ready and that it would be a quickened process. Jesus is my #1 BESTEST friend, but i miss my best friend.

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 22:59:40 GMT

You are Sadness . You think the whole world is mad
at you and that noone likes you .. Well it's
not true the whole world isn't mad at you and
there are people that love you . You just need
to get out of the bubble that you have created
around yourself and have a look around when you
do that you will be happier .

What Emotion are you ?!?!?!?! ( with pictures )
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where to begin......

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 18:20:18 GMT

i dont even kno where to begin. i miss t. a lot. i cant stop thinking i cant stop crying. i'm an emotional wreck. uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
i dont ven know what to write!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

despite what i feel..........

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 17:07:43 GMT

right now i feel like turning and running away from God, right back to where i was. but i'm not going to. i'm gonna push on in God.... despite what i feel!!!!!!

WOOHOO

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 19:23:50 GMT

God you are so amazing. thank you for giving me the words to say and ways to relate it for more understanding. You are awesome. I'm so thankful that you are using me!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cant get past

Wed, 09 Jul 2003 21:48:55 GMT

i have these things going on i feel so lost and so very wrong i dont know why i did these things and i dont wanna know the consequences it brings i feel like a scared little child being facing up after acting wild i feel so dumb not even thinking slept with this guy without even thinking now i have to pay the price remembering that day for the rest of my life.

why the hell did i get drunk? why did i smoke weed? why did i let him in here? why did i go into the bedroom with him? why did i let him take off my clothes? why did i have sex with him? why? nothing makes sense. i thought i was better than that. now what if i find out that i'm pregnant? or if i have a std? what will i do? aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Tue, 08 Jul 2003 21:23:37 GMT

Justin Timberlake- He respect's you and love you no
matter what

how's your perfect man (celebrity's)with pic.
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Tue, 08 Jul 2003 21:08:30 GMT

Brown Eyes

What Color Eyes Should You Have?
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Tue, 08 Jul 2003 21:05:22 GMT

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Tue, 08 Jul 2003 20:59:33 GMT

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<img src="htt<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/Aingael/1051895953_ctureslove.jpg" border="0" alt="You Are Love"> You are Love.

You love life, you love all those around you and the world that you live in. You are happiest when you are doing something for someone else or for the common good of mankind.
 <a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Aingael/quizzes/What%20Emotion%20Are%20You%3F/"> What Emotion Are You?</a> brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a>
p://images.quizilla.com/V/vinacross/1045377004_isStuffSad.gif" border="0" alt="Sad"> You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly everything and is constantly wondering about what could have been.You're not happy with your situation and usually blame yourself because of the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.
 <a href="http://quizilla.com/users/vinacross/quizzes/What%20Kind%20of%20Smile%20are%20You%3F/"> What Kind of Smile are You?</a> brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a>

Mon, 07 Jul 2003 21:50:16 GMT

You are Love.

You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.

What Emotion Are You?
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stupid

Sat, 05 Jul 2003 09:39:47 GMT

teresa came to get the ring today. i tried to act like i didnt care but i dont think i succeeded. after she left while vanessa was in the shower, i did it. i punched the wall a few times, and then i did it. it was stupid. very stupid.

the reason i tried to act it didnt bother me is because i didnt want her too see that it was tearing me apart. i know it's her ring and she has every right to take it back, but i just wanted to keep it. i never want to forget the last 5 1/2 months of my life, i dont regret it in the least, so i just wanted to have the ring so i could look at it and see why i dont want to forget it. see i cant put anything into words. i cant explain why i wanted to keep the ring, i just did.

i am the stupidest person in the world. i had the worst day of my life today. yeah. stupid.

i'm tired. really tired. but i have a lot i need to say. but i need to go to sleep. yeah. i need to just sleep and stuff. i am stupid.

Fri, 04 Jul 2003 22:47:07 GMT

You represent... anger.
Mad at the world, eh? You have a tendency to...
freak out easily. Overly emotional about
everything, you're most prone to bouts of
cruelty and moodiness. Other people may be
afraid of the fact that you explode so easily,
but at least you're honest... even if you're
honest about not liking anything.

What feeling do you represent?
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something i wrote

Fri, 04 Jul 2003 21:33:28 GMT

i dont know what i'm feeling. i miss teresa like crazy. i made the right decision... and i just have to keep reassuring myself of that. it's weird because it was my decision to break up and i think i'm hurting more than her. every song, every word, everything reminds me of her. i hung out with daniel last night and it was cool. i dont feel anything like i feel for teresa. then again, nothing i ever feel with or for anyone could ever compare to teresa. i mean that was my wife. i will never get over her. uhhh... this hurts so much. i hope teresa is not in this much pain. i dont want her to feel the kind of pain i feel. no one should ever feel this kind of pain. anyway i wrote this poem this morning. i got out of the shower and words just started running through my head so i wrote them down.

never thought that this would happen
me livin' without you
you gave me something special
aside from the hurt you put me through
you will always be in my heart
even though we are apart
i never thought i'd hurt you the way i did
but i couldn't look past the feelings you hid
i didn't deserve the pain you brought
now i have to use the strength you taught
i feel like i'm going insane
and i am the one to blame

i dont want to be with anyone any time soon, so i need to talk to daniel about that. i think he is wanting to be with me and i haven't been giving him the right impression. i guess i just need to talk to him. maybe when he gets off work tonight.he said if me and vanessa want to go somewhere and see fireworks, give him a call. i dont know that i want to hang out with him tonight because the more time we spend together, the more his feelings will grow. and the harder it will be to tell him that i dont want that right now. there's this song by ashanti and a part of the song says..."i just wanna love you baby". when we were hangin out last night that song came on and he was holding me. he sang that part in this weird voice just playing around and i laughed. then he whispered in my ear.." rachel, it's true". that kinda blew me away and scared me. i dont even know if i have any feelings for him other than friendship and he's saying this? oh my gosh. like i'm not looking for a relationship or anything, and i'm especially not looking for love. that's the furthest word from my mind right now. it seems like when you dont want nothing to do with love, it comes up to you from every direction.
vanessa's little 14 year old bisexual friend is tryin to get at me. she told me she liked me almost 3 weeks ago and i blew it of. she has never even met me except over the phone so how could you like someone you never met? yesterday she called me and we talked for a few minutes and then she had to go. i said "okay bye lacy" and she said "bye rachel. i love you" and hung up. what the hell? how could this girl possibly think she loves me? she told vanessa that she just feels something she cant explain and it's love. or something like that. she's full of crap. she calls me like all the time. she gets all pissy if i say i dont feel like being on the phone.this is the gurl that i had to talk out of committing suicide like a week after i first talked to her. i dont want her to get her hopes up about me just because i'm not with teresa anymore. i haven't like given her signals or anything so she has nothing to get her hopes up about. but if she does and then realizes that i'm not interested i dont want to hurt her. it's like i'm stuck. i never told her i liked her or anything and when she flirts and says stuff i kinda just blow it off. i dont want to be all blunt about it and be like "lacy, i dont like you and i dont want to be with anyone". that might hurt her and make her feel stupid. i dont know.
yeah so i'm done venting and stuff. i dont feel any better but every one keeps telling me "rachel you are going through something that hurts really bad, you cant keep it all bottled up inside" but that's what i want to do. i dont want to feel, it hurts too much. i feel like i have no right to be in this much pain and to be crying all the time because i did this to myself. i gave up my life and my happiness. i dont regret breaking up with teresa but i just didnt know it was gonna hur this much.

SOUL MATES????

Tue, 01 Jul 2003 17:35:03 GMT

soul mates from the outside looking in
he wants me and i want him
one thing keeps us apart
the fact that another has my heart
she hurts me and treats me wrong
and then proceeds to sing a sad song
he would never do me that way
maybe it's time i realize my fate
everyone says we are meant to be
i'm beginning to think so honestly

i'm still with teresa, but i dont think i can take much more of her crap. i hung out with daniel all night last night. it was bad, but good. i miss him sooooo much. we had a chance to talk. we talked about teresa and how we are on the verge of a breakup, and we talked about us. we talked about how it would be if we were still together and how much we miss eachother. my cousin says i need to break up with teresa and get with daniel. my mom and deanna think that me and daniel are soulmates. there has always been something between us. i just dont know if i'm strong enough to let go of teresa yet. i love her so much and it's hard to not hope things are going to get better. i also am so afraid to be hurt by daniel or to hurt him. i couldnt hurt him. he is such an amazing guy. teresa and i are fighting so bad right now. i wish she would just break up with me cuz i cant do it. i'm confused.

i like philip. i dont think i'd be okay with the age thing even if he were interested. it's really weird to like my youth leader's/ sister's ex. i dont know. i'm a little lost. i think i'm just going to wait for teresa to call me and stay strong and stuff. i'm also going to hang out with daniel and get to know him better and talk more. help me

Mon, 30 Jun 2003 21:37:53 GMT

LOVE is your chinese symbol!

What Chinese Symbol Are You?
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Mon, 30 Jun 2003 21:30:57 GMT

Rock on chick! You are the street smart Dylan who
knows how to open a beer bottle with her teeth
and still manage to look gorgeous!

Which Charlie's Angel are you?
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Mon, 30 Jun 2003 21:14:14 GMT

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/SpazMatazz/1042696708_MoonGddess.jpg"